• Morgan Fagg

The Intruder in the Park

Updated: May 27, 2019

OR 50 Shades of the Avengers on a Mission Impossible to defeat Batman villains with the help of actors from Star Wars and Harry Potter depending on which title is cooler with millenials.

IF HOLLYWOOD made a film about the recent intruder incident at Áras an Uactarain, I’m guessing Harrison Ford could play President Higgins where the intruder crashes the gates as the police (Gardai but with subtitles underneath) fire at the car. Senior Detectives Brendan Gleeson and Danny Glover who is just two days from retirement, open fire with AK47s they discovered earlier in an Irish bog but don’t chase the intruder as the driveway is far too long.

The intruder is Russian and played by Sean Bean, (Spoiler) who is after our nuclear codes. (We bought nuclear weapons from a North Korean played by either Domhnall Gleeson or Kenneth Branagh in a deleted scene). The president's wife played by actress Sabina Coyle makes some tea as a heavy dialogue develops between An Uactaráin and the Russian played by Mr Bean.

(Sean Bean, not Rowan Atkinson's character Mr Bean.)

The scene turns into a struggle with the president's wife dropping her cup of tea in slow motion. (CGI tea, we wouldn't be able to get the film past the Irish Censor Board if we dropped a good cup of tea, more coloured water than tea really.)

The struggle rolls past the busts of former presidents and outside into the garden and a garden party.

Of course the incident is resolved when President Ford drops Sean Bean from a helicopter onto the Wellington Monument. Quick quip about being shafted and even James Joyce could appreciate this Dublin themed story.

In the helicopter, wait popemobile helicopter which is being piloted by the pope played by Ewan McGregor. McGregor's pope learned to fly helicopters during the Troubles in Northern Ireland but gets to parachute to safety next to the cross in Phoenix Park.

Bending down afterwards to kiss the ground.

Harrison Ford who at 76 is getting too old to play a president but manages to disarm the bomb from Mr Bean just as that guy from 50 Shades of Grey is about to launch stealth fighters at the Áras from an invisible aircraft carrier in the sky. I love those helicarriers in The Avengers.

(Cost saving tip, just show the sky and say there is an invisible Helicarrier there.)

In fact, it is now a Marvel film and the Hulk is trying to discover his Irish roots while keeping Thor from invading monasteries in Clonmacnoise.

The Avengers are directed by Tony Stark’s Iron Man suit, voiced by Tipperary actress Kerry Condon who I always thought was New York born Saoirse Ronan voicing the character Friday but sadly since the Financial Crisis, we can no longer afford Robert Downey Jr who I think charges $100b a film.

Richard Gere gears up his Irish accent once again as the IRA prisoner trying to defeat the intruder and Pierce Brosnan OBE plays the English Prime Minister behind the attacks which is slyly revealed to the audience at the end. Of course this impossible mission wouldn’t be possible without the help of Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Tom Cruise provided Mr. Cruise doesn’t attempt an Irish accent again that is.

Anyways, Harrison Ford joins his Star Wars friend Mark Hamill on Skellig Michael and brings him for a pint after defeating the bad guys from DC Comics, The Scarecrow, Bullseye and Ra's al Ghul played by Cillian Murphy, Colin Farrell and Liam Neeson.

They also defeat Domhnall Gleeson from the cut scene but that will only make sense when you watch the deleted scenes on the extended Blu Ray edition which will come out a month later.

The scene ends as a crack team of marines and FBI agents from the American Ambassador’s residence across the road arrive at the end of the film to see what is happening with all the shouting and noise and the burning popemobile helicopter stuck at the top of the Wellington Monument.

The End

Model work is used through-out the film. Check out this Supermodel.

Sean Bean in THE PATRIOT GAME of Thrones, DIE ANOTHER DAY and THE HABIT of dying.

Ewan McGreger training for the role

Prequel: A young Michael D Higgins goes to study in an American University during the Vietnam War where he saves the life (5 times) of a young Donal J Trump who is about the be drafted to Vietnam. The young Uactaráin advises him to become a Conscientious Objector against military service in Vietnam, He doesn't but does tell the army that his foot hurts and is saved from hard work, taking orders, marching without golf carts, parades not about him and ties of normal size.

Michael D becomes a spy for charities looking to find out about conditions in third world countries and hot spots around the world. He uses the cover that he is a Hot Press correspondent while Donal J Trump becomes a spy disguised as a smart guy with a big brain, yuge in fact, where he beds beautiful models and actresses who use the cover of Hot Press to well, spank him.

Post-production title about the two presidents is Worlds Apart.

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