• Morgan Fagg

The Hunt for Orange November

Updated: Jan 26, 2019

Written in October 2016

Captain Ramius: Once more, we play our dangerous game, a game of chess against our old adversary – America. For sixty years, your fathers before you and your older brothers played this game and played it well. But today the game is different. We have the advantage.

Capt. Vasili Borodin: Captain, our Russian beauty queen has their leader in cheque.

She flew naked with a suitcase full of money

handcuffed to her hand.

Capt. Vasili Borodin: Captain, our king and horse have him captured.

Captain Ramius: The game is ours.

Capt. Vasili Borodin: What about the submarine? Will we defect?

Captain Ramius: Defect! Are you crazy?

Have you ever known a Republican president to actually find WMDs?

Captain Ramius: We will pass through the American patrols, past their sonar nets, and lay off their largest city, and listen to their Justin Biever… while we watch their Netflix.

Then we will sail into New York and tell everyone we are billionaire business men.

Capt. Vasili Borodin: But what about our tax returns and green cards sir.

Captain Ramius: Billionaire business men,

I said nobody questions billionaires but you don´t have to live in New York, you can live anywhere.

Capt. Vasili Borodin: I will live in Montana. And I will marry a round American woman and raise rabbits, and she will cook them for me. And I will have a pickup truck… maybe even a “recreational vehicle.” And drive from state to state. Do they let you do that?

Captain Ramius: I suppose.

Capt. Vasili Borodin: No papers?

Captain Ramius: No papers, state to state, well unless you are black.

Capt. Vasili Borodin: Well then, in winter I will live in… Arizona. Actually, I will need two wives.

Captain Ramius: Oh, at least.

Capt. Vasili Borodin: Do they let you do that?

Captain Ramius: Reagan had two wives and Donald Trump is proposing to children on escalators. But why have a wife when you can just do what you like to women?

Capt. Vasili Borodin: You can do that? You´re messing with me.

Captain Ramius:Yes of course, I saw it on the news. Grab them by the pussy, they let you do anything. Punch people at political rallies, insult voters, threaten to kill people on Fifth Avenue, lock up political opponents if you win, you name it.

Capt. Vasili Borodin: Oh Captain, I´ve been shot. Call the doctor.

Captain Ramius: Oh yeah, everyone has a gun.

And don't look for the Doctor, IT is killer clown season in America.

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