• Morgan Fagg

The Dead Centre of the World

(Sean´s of the Dead) Written for SNL in November 2016 when they were looking for submissions


Alec Baldwin plays Donald J Trump during an emerging treat of Nuclear Armageddon.

An aid explains that they have to leave and that the safest place to go is a town called Athlone.

Presidential Aid: We have to evacuate

Alec Baldwin: Okay, Where?

Presidential Aid: Ireland

Alec Baldwin: To my golf course,

Presidential Aid: Yes sir, we are going to play golf.

Presidential Aid: We have found an island in the middle of the Atlantic that can accommodate you.

Alec Baldwin: Really?

Presidential Aid: They speak English, well mostly and the country is not hostile to American forces.

Alec Baldwin: They don’t hate me?

Presidential Aid: Well, they are Irish, they are friendly and a lot of the men, like your daughter.

Alec Baldwin: I like them already.

Alec Baldwin: What is this magical land called?

Presidential Aid: Athlone.

Alec Baldwin: Alone? I’m going to be alone?

Presidential Aid: No, Athlone. Well Atha Luain in the Irish language.

It was named after a man named Luain who ran a

Alec Baldwin: A brothel?

Presidential Aid: No Mr President. A bar, it is the oldest bar in the world in fact.

Alec Baldwin: Because my grandfather had a brothel you know.

Presidential Aid: Yes Mr President. I heard the rumours.

Alec Baldwin: You could say anything in locker rooms there. Anything.

Alec Baldwin: None of this politically correct stuff and consequences.

Presidential Aid: We know Mr President.

Alec Baldwin: Ok, let´s go there. I´ll call my pilot.

Presidential Aid: Sir, it is better if we take Air Force One.

Alec Baldwin: Because it can survive a Nuclear war.

Presidential Aid: Yes Mr. President because it can survive a Nuclear attack.

Alec Baldwin: And Athlone?

Presidential Aid: Strategically, American will fire on Russia and Russia will fire on us.

Alec Baldwin: Why would Russia attack us?

Presidential Aid: Really Mr. President? Communism versus Capitalism? The Cold War?

Alec Baldwin: Is this because of Obama?

Presidential Aid: Yes Mr. President, of course, because of Obama.

Alec Baldwin: You know he is from Kenya?

Alec Baldwin: Why is Athlone so safe?

Presidential Aid: Athlone has nothing of strategic importance.

Alec Baldwin: Nothing?

Alec Baldwin: Then why would we go?

Presidential Aid: Nuclear Armageddon sir.

Alec Baldwin: Oh right. So Athlone is our best choice?

Presidential Aid: Yes Mr. President.

Alec Baldwin: What does Athlone got?

Presidential Aid: What does Athlone have Mr. President, Never mind. Your English is fine.

Well apparently, it has a nice castle and actually has the oldest bar in the world.

Alec Baldwin: I don’t drink.

Presidential Aid: It is the safest place to go, Sir.

Alec Baldwin: But why?

Presidential Aid: Sir there is no airport, port, city, hostile army or hostile leader within 50 miles.

It is only an hour from Dublin but it is quite far from London, Moscow, Paris and East Germany

Alec Baldwin: East Germany?

Presidential Aid: Our Cold War computers are not up to date Mr. President

Alec Baldwin: Ok, I´ll get my golf clubs

Presidential Aid: Trump Golf Clubs and Holiday Resorts or just the bag of clubs?

Alec Baldwin: Best if I just get a bag of clubs then.

Presidential Aid: Ok but we don’t have time Sir.

Alec Baldwin: I´ll get my pilot to fly them to Ireland.

Presidential Aid: Let´s go Mr. President


IN ATHLONE

Alec Baldwin: How can people live like this?

Presidential Aid: Sir?

Alec Baldwin: There is no gold.

Presidential Aid: Sir, the vikings took all the gold sir.

They raided their monasteries and took their gold.

Alec Baldwin: The Minnesota Vikings football team took all their gold. Cool.

Presidential Aid: Sir, if we are going to survive it is best to meet some of the local people and introduce ourselves.

Alec Baldwin: I great, You (gesturing) little people.

Presidential Aid: Maybe we should just go.

Sir, we will be safe in the castle

I mean, palace, it is a palace sir.

Alec Baldwin: Ok but let´s get a drink first, all this talk of Nuclear annihilation is making me thirsty.

Presidential Aid: Here Sir, this is the oldest bar in the world.

It dates back to 900AD.

Alec Baldwin: They don’t have a Hooters?

Presidential Aid: No Hooters Sir.


Sean´s Bar

The Barman: Welcome to Sean´s Bar. What can I get you?

Alec Baldwin: I don’t drink {Everyone looks around}

{Putin is at the end of the bar buying shots of Vodka.}

V Putin: Have you got any Trump Vodka?

The Barman: Haha, sorry no, haha

V Putin: I know, it is a joke in Russia too. Haha

{Former Irish leader Brian Cowen look-a-like, drinking Guinness.

(He was accused of being a drunk during the Financial Crisis and was mocked internationally)}

Brian Cowen: And they thought I messed things up as leader.

Alec Baldwin: And we will definitely be safe here?

Presidential Aid: Yes sir, all major cities and population centres and military bases will be targeted. Ports and airbases. Athlone will be fine unless countries update their missile lists.

Zoom out from Sean’s bar which should more or less be the actual centre of the world.

Simultaneous launches from sea, land and air.

The world simultaneously launches all nuclear weapons upon Athlone.

Live from Athlone, it is Saturday Night Live.

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© 2018 by Morgan Fagg.