• Morgan Fagg

Lockdown Voices Number 48 BOG ROLL

Updated: Jun 5, 2020

What did the Romans ever do for us and what will we leave behind?

If modern society was to be judged on our reaction to the outbreak of this pandemic, I can imagine that the dignified photographs of the 1920s would be replaced by women fighting over toilet roll.

Despite all the historical evidence available to us, we have treated these historical records like toilet paper and wiped our incompetent asses with these scraps of paper rather than the Bounty-full supply of two-ply available to us.

Unlike the elegance of the Veneticans and their scary doctors’ masks which I believe were filled we herbs and probably masked the smell of death and disease, we will be remembered as the N95 generation where doctors and nurses had to wear plastic bin bags at times.

There was no elegance shown and the fashion industry was slow to make fashionable face wear, even as Milan Fashion Week social distanced from their audience in February.

100 years ago, people were worried about Icebergs whereas we have melted them down and have started to replace them with fat-bergs and filled our sewers with crap while promising to “Drain the Swamp.”

We remember the Romans for their incredible aqueducts thousands of years ago while our generation discovers the power of soap and water as if we are some primeval ooze looking up to Neanderthals.

Toilet roll has been a modern invention but it shouldn’t define us, we have to leave it behind us.

100 years ago, people didn’t use toilet roll and for a very long time, it couldn’t easily be advertised because it was so undignified.

People used newspapers and scraps of paper to wipe the smile of their face and I believe it was only with the invention of hotels and luxury accommodation that people saw a specialty paper being produced and used.

Just like the elevator allowed buildings to be built taller and taller, toilet roll allowed us to push down our poo further and further and in a posh environment that everyone wants to re-create at home. Standing taller than most with toilet roll dragging from his toes, Donald Trump has built an empire of crap yet promised to “Drain the Swamp.”

The irony being that Donald Trump even asked aids to investigate if it was possible to fill moats and drains with alligators to stop Mexicans from entering America.

The same people who come to America to work in his hotels where the Trumps have been happy to exploit them while he is rumoured to enjoy a golden throne.

Donald Trump and his ilk will try to Klingon to the slippery slope that we are all sliding down and the tv president as offered people hope with “Operation Warp Speed” which promises a cure by the end of the year as people try desperately to flush and remove this fat floater from the cesspit we call humanity.

You can inject yourself where the sun doesn't shine if you wish but I think these toilet bowl tweets and his crap plans should be stored on recycled toilet roll so we can quickly leave this historical time behind us.

Crap, Poop, Shite, Defecation, Discharge, Dung, Excrement, Fecal matter, Feces, Feculence, Deuce, Manure, Number two, Stool, Waste and forty shades of brown, there are so many disappointing ways to remember Memorial day in America.


Memorial Day 2020 will unfortunately be remembered for the death, sorry murder of George Floyd.

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